Bookish Musings: Top 5 Strangest Book Reviews I’ve Written

 
 

I like to think of this post as proof that a) you really don’t need to write “professional” reviews to have a book blog, and b) positive reviews can in fact be fun!

I also like finding ways to continue talking about great books that I totally recommend and think people should read, since oftentimes books just get forgotten after the review is posted, and this seemed like a good way to do that.

And even if you’re not interested in these books, maybe I can at least make someone laugh with my strangeness ;-)

So without further ado, here are five strange quotes from book reviews I’ve written!


The one in which I feel the need to administer first aid

When Twilight Burns by Colleen Gleason

But all the characters are so good at making biting remarks at each other, and I feel like I should just keep a cooler full of ice with me to hand out to them for all the burns they’re continually getting.

 

The one in which I rant about vampires

Bleeding Heart by Melissa Graves

FINALLY A VAMPIRE BOOK IN WHICH THE VAMPIRES DON’T WASTE BLOOD BY SPILLING IT ALL OVER THE PLACE. No self-respecting vampire would waste blood when they bite someone, yet, in so many books/movies/shows, blood is spilling all over the place until the people are covered and their clothing is ruined and it’s dripping all over the floor. Are you kidding? There wouldn’t even be any blood left to drink at that point.

 

The one in which I rethink my impulsive decision & also have a case of the mushies

Crisped + Sere by TJ Klune

As for this book in particular, some of these characters were messed up . . . but I felt for them. Even while they were repeatedly stabbing people, I just wanted to give them a big ol’ hug. (Ok, well, not during the stabbing. Maybe, like, after.)

Mushy. Mushy all over the place. I don’t think I even have organs in my body anymore because they all just melted at the touching moments in this book.

 

The one in which one I further inflate a character’s already inflated ego

The Alabaster Concordat by J. Armand

It’s oddly fitting that Noah keeps stealing all the attention in all of my reviews for this series since that is so like him. Apparently his presence and need for attention is so big that it carries over out of the book. I miss him when he’s not around though. I just want him to be in every scene in every book. Is that really too much to ask? I think that’s reasonable, and I’m 100% sure Noah would agree.

 

The one in which I am attracted to robots

Saga Vol. 4 by Brian K. Vaughan & Fiona Staples

I’m starting to be attracted to robots. Have you seen IV’s body though? Like, I know his head is a TV, but… he looks damn hot in that uniform.

 
 
 

Talk to me!

What's the strangest review you've ever written?
Do you try to make your reviews professional, or do you just have fun?

 

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  1. Greg

    You know it’s funny but a lot of times I think we try to be serious with our reviews, but sometimes the best reviews are the fun ones. :) I like th vampire one best, because right? Wasting blood is surely a sign of a novice vampire, and one who won’t last if he/she/it doesn’t get their act together.

    The robot attraction one made me laugh too. :)

    1. Kristen Burns

      Fun reviews are great! I don’t really try to be serious or fun, I guess, it just depends on the book. For most books, I don’t really have anything funny to say? But if I’m able to have fun with a review, then I do :-) Some people always write really entertaining reviews though. And gosh, yes, vampires wasting blood is one of my biggest bookish pet peeves!

      I don’t know if it will ever stop being weird knowing I’m attracted to a character who has a TV for a head lol.

  2. Litha Nelle

    I relate to the one in which you’re attracted to robots- I read the Mad Scientist’s Daughter by Cassandra Rose Clarke, and I, the robot, fell in love with another bot. ;) My reviews are all a bit strange, but I tend to be more serious/professional when I write reviews for nonfiction and memoirs.
    ~Litha Nelle

    1. Kristen Burns

      Lol I hadn’t heard of that book, but I just checked the blurb, and the robot sounds really sweet! I guess that makes sense to be more professional for nonfiction and memoirs though.

  3. Fanna

    HAHAHA, this was so much fun to read XD True, professional reviews can be boring at times (ask me who tries too hard LOL) and these raw ones are definitely more interesting! I love where all your organs have melted by the touching moments, haha, that’s dramatic but super sweet <3 And of course, being attracted to a robot? Yup, love (for books or characters in them) makes us do all sorts of things :D YES to vampires who don't spill blood everywhere. Like, why do movies and some books make the whole situation so over-reacted at. A vampire is biting, drinking their blood and done, they've had dinner. It's completely normal, I don't understand why they are shown as some rogue animals who can't control their thirst *eye roll* Loved this post, Kristen!

    1. Kristen Burns

      Thanks XD Both professional and silly reviews have their merits, I think! Lol thankfully my organs have recovered ;-) And YES, the blood thing is so overdramatized in books but especially in movies! Do humans throw our food all over the room? No! So neither would vampires!

  4. Miggs

    I can’t ever keep my personality out of my book posts, but I try not to write the way I speak, which is peppered generously with f-bombs and such. I know it would make for a more colorful blog if I just let my pottymouth fly!

    1. Kristen Burns

      Tbh I crack myself up with the Saga one lol :-P

      I don’t think I’ve ever tried to be super professional. I just go with the flow for the most part as well!

        1. Kristen Burns

          I feel like you’re one of those people who writes those kind of great reviews that I admire though! Like, you express everything so well sometimes and meanwhile I kind of flounder around lol. But realistically, all types of reviews get the job done!

  5. Let's Get Beyond Tolerance

    Hah! These are all fantastic. I love that you’re attracted to the robot, and it’s so true that vampires waste a lot of blood in entertainment! Not accurate, authors! lol I do a variety of reviews – it kind of depends on how I’m feeling/what I want to say, but I’m not too worried about them being really professional or anything.

    -Lauren

    Let's Get Beyond Tolerance recently posted: #FebruHARRY2018 Giveaways to Enter!

    1. Kristen Burns

      Thanks XD And yes, being attracted to a character w/ a TV for a head is a strange feeling lol. Seriously, in books and movies, vampires waste so much blood that it’s ridiculous! Same, my reviews just depend!

  6. Laurie @ Bark's Book Nonsense

    lol, I love these. I find it difficult to stay serious in most of my reviews which is why I try to state that first thing on my blog.. People probably hate that but as long as I’m having fun I’m good. I honestly skim “professional” reviews, when I even read them, because I find them boring. I’d rather be reading books than a boring book review! But your reviews I like :)

    Laurie @ Bark's Book Nonsense recently posted: #BookReview: The Party by Robyn Harding

  7. AngelErin

    I love this post! I do agree that reviews can be fun. Who says it hs to be professional? I’m not getting paid for this, I don’t have to be professional. I try my best to be as respectful as I can though. Personally, my favorite bloggers to follow are ones who have fun in their reviews. Also, sometimes it may depend on the book. I try not too be too goofy in a review that’s for a book with very serious subject matter.

    1. Kristen Burns

      Thanks! Exactly, if I feel like having fun w/ my review, then I will! But I too try to always be respectful, that’s why I don’t write snarky reviews, I just sometimes have fun in my positive reviews :-) Oh, that’s a good point, I’d prob avoid being silly if the book had serious subject matter.

  8. Cait @ Paper Fury

    Ahhh hahah this is GREAT.? I’ve read some of my past reviews and been like: what on earth was I saying.?We come out with some good lines in the wildness of the reviewing moment right?! (Also I love your analysation on how much blood vampires would waste! I mean, SO TRUE, right?! If we were starving, we wouldn’t just dump half our sandwich on the ground. Tsk tsk what a waste.)?

    1. Kristen Burns

      Thanks XD Right? I don’t try to be weird, but sometimes it just happens in the reviewing moment lol. Exactly! We don’t throw our food all over the floor and ourselves, so why would vampires???a

    1. Kristen Burns

      I think just a vampire would do ;-) And lol, I will try my best not to hug anyone while they’re stabbing someone else, but I can’t make any promises!

  9. Jared @dabook.club

    The SAGA one KILLED ME! I was dying of laughter. Also, the Crisped one was hilarious as well. Great post, this is so original, I don’t think I’ve read a post like it. Keep up the good work!

  10. Shannon @ It Starts at Midnight

    This is such a clever post idea! You’re so right about not having to write “professional” reviews. And I loooove the little tidbits you shared! But I must say, I DIED laughing at the Saga one! Because I guess… I guess you’re kind of right? And he does seem so HUMAN, even though he has a screen-head? Bwhahah now I am questioning everything.

    Shannon @ It Starts at Midnight recently posted: March 2018 New Release Giveaway Hop Sign Ups!

    1. Kristen Burns

      Thanks! Yes, they do make him seem so human, and you kind of just, like, forget that he has that TV head? Like it’s weird at first, then you get used to it lol.

  11. imyril

    Heh! I think we can take ourselves too seriously when writing reviews sometimes – I try to mix in a bit of humour from time to time but I love it when reviews (mine and other people’s!) get offbeat and fun.

    Some faves from my past reviews:

    It’s all in the measurement: ‘the space opera equivalent of a cheeky Chinese takeaway after a long week at work’

    On world-building: ‘in the future, power will be derived from sugar; let’s just imagine a children’s birthday party and move on, yes/yes?’

    On solving problems: ‘one of my great delights is that the situation is ultimately resolved without violence … by conversation and expanding foam’ <- more crises should be solved with expanding foam, right??

  12. Tizzy Brown

    These are hilarious quotes. I really like your writing style! My reviews are too formal sometimes and I forget I’m not writing an English Lit assignment. It’s so true about vampires spilling blood all over the place-just not realistic!

    Tizzy Brown recently posted: WiP Wednesday (3)

    1. Kristen Burns

      Thanks! Yeah, I think we always want our reviews to sound professional and so we forget we’re allowed to have fun sometimes. Seriously, it’s one of my biggest vampire book pet peeves!

    1. Kristen Burns

      Lol yeah, I cringe at some too. But then some reviews I’m kinda proud of when I look back XD And right? IV’s body *is* totally hot, so I shall not be ashamed!

  13. Wren

    haha that robot one was great! I don’t recall writing any strange reviews, but if I feel the need to not make a review 100% “professional” then I just go with the flow. In the end, if I’m honestly expressing my thoughts on a book, then it doesn’t really matter if I write in English-class essay style, or like a rambling text to a friend. As long as a reviewer gets their ideas across, that’s what really matters, in my opinion.

    Wren recently posted: Beautiful Cover of the Day!

  14. Lola

    What a fun way to spotlight some of your previous reviews! And it’s a different experience reading those quotes outside of a review. I don’t think I’ve written many strange reviews, but I probably just can’t think of any at the moment. I just try and write what I thought of the book and don’t worry too much about how it reads or if it’s professional or not. I do always make sure to emphasize how something is my experience with the book and my opinion. Then again I have no clue how you even define what a professional review is or not.

    I like that review quote in which you inflate that characters ego even more. And I remember that robot with the tv head characters from your reviews. And I also know I read your Crisped + Sere review, which doesn’t sound like a book for me at all, but I remember you really enjoyed it. That is a good point about vampires and how spilling all that blood wouldn’t make sense.

    Lola recently posted: Sunday Post #271

    1. Kristen Burns

      Thanks! Yeah, they’re probably not as noticeable in the full review lol. I also just go with the flow, and like you, I try to emphasize that it’s just my opinion, though really we shouldn’t have to cuz all reviews are opinions.

      Glad you like my quotes XD I did love Crisped + Sere! And that’s such a pet peeve of mine with vampires!